Conflicted Son
Dear Maria,
I'm 32 years old, married, and have a young child. I love my mom, but I honestly don't enjoy being around her anymore.
She has an opinion about everything. She tells me how I should raise my child, criticizes my wife, and somehow finds a way to make every conversation about what we're doing wrong. If I say anything back, she tells me I've changed or that my wife has turned me against her.
It's getting to the point where I avoid answering her calls because I know how I'll feel afterward. Then the guilt kicks in because she's my mother. I feel like I'm stuck between being a good son and being a good husband.
I don't want to cut her out of my life. I just want a relationship that doesn't leave me feeling angry, guilty, or stressed every time we see each other.
How do I get there?
— Conflicted Son
Maria's Response
Dear Conflicted Son,
Thank you for writing to me. I think a lot more people deal with this than we realize.
There could be many reasons your mom acts this way, but instead of trying to figure out why she does what she does, I'd start by looking at you. How comfortable are you setting boundaries? Do you avoid conflict? Do you have a hard time saying no because you don't want anyone to be upset with you?
I also want you to think about your communication. Is this only happening with your mom, or do you struggle to speak up with other people too? If this pattern shows up in other relationships, then your mom may not be the real problem. She may just be the person bringing it to the surface.
You don't have to choose between being a good son and a good husband. You can love your mother and still set healthy boundaries. Those two things can exist at the same time.
I'd start there.
— Maria
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